Benefit of the doubt.
Posted: April 30, 2006 Filed under: Uncategorized 10 Comments »I’ve been thinking lately. About expectations of other people and about how we react to others’ words and actions.
A while back, I had a real conflict with a woman in a volunteer group that I’m very actively involved in. She and I had very different styles. I sensed that she did not much care for my “this is business and let’s stop talking about it and do it” attitude. She didn’t seem to like me bringing new tools and technologies to the group. Everything was just peachy before I came along thinking I could make the group more efficient and, IMHO, more able to contribute time and money to our community. And honestly, I didn’t appreciate her extremely thoughtful (read: slow) approach to every detail. Nor did I feel that her need to include very large groups of people in the discussion was always appropriate. Sure, we need to work together, build consensus and move forward. But there were times that folks who really had no stake or background were included partially through the process. And, once included in the conversation, it was impossible to ignore the input. Frustrating. And being of a different generation, email was not natural to her. Her email style was to read it every couple days and to reply with a curt one-liner – erasing the thread so I’d have to look back at my sent files to even figure out what the question was.
Anyway, this is all to say that one day, she sent me an email that pushed me over the edge. I don’t even remember what it was. But my veins popped. And I picked up the phone and called her. And I blew up. Now clearly, in retrospect, it was not the way to handle the issue. But the conversation, while very heated and not pleasant was very fruitful. She said that I “hear” her emails through a filter of my beliefs – that I already think she is against me and I read her comments with a bias. I said that she hits send too quickly and should think about what it “sounds” like to the reader. But her point was well-taken – the words themselves were not hurtful. The attitude I read into them was. Interesting.
With written (and quickly written, I might add) communications being so prevalent, we need to adjust our reading. I think it makes sense to “consider the source” in some respects. For instance, say you have a friend or acquaintance who is (so you think) kind and thoughtful. But then you get an email from her that seems like a slam. What to do? I think that if it seems totally out of character, then it probably was not intended how you read it. Or she had a terrible day. Or who knows? But if you care about the relationship, pick up the phone. Or send a note back asking what she meant. I think we’re too quick to assume that our gut reaction is right. And it’s not always.
I believe that our experiences and what we’re thinking and doing at the moment colors our reaction to everything. If I’m concentrating on something and one of the kids needs me, I might not be as thoughtful with my words to him. Or if I’ve had a tough day and I get an email, I might read it differently than a different day.
All this to say that just because we don’t talk to each other as much as we used to and so many of our words are in writing doesn’t mean we are different people. I would like to think that people who know me, know that I’m the same online as offline.
And the woman from the volunteer group and me? We work together swimmingly these days. Sometimes getting offline is just a better way to build and maintain relationships.
A very thoughtful post. You are so honest with yourself. And hats off to you for volunteering.
Sometimes I save the e-mail in a draft then re-read it later. If it seems to acrimonious, I do not send it. I also try not to write e-mails when I’m in a bad mood.
i learned this lesson the hard way when i used to be a project manager for a web company. emails and instant messages leave way too much open to interpration and i learned that it was much smarter to walk across the hall and talk to the developer/designer in person.
i hated it, but i did it.
Wendy: what a great post. You are so honest about yourself (as Junebee said).
I was on the board of a volunteer group, where the emails were flying back and forth…and became quite hateful. I really felt that many things were said, that might not have, without the instantaneous nature of email. I also think we say things because we are “hiding” behind the computer, that we might not otherwise be so brave to say in person.
Anyhow, the one thing I want to know is this…you said she is of a different generation which is what, if I may ask? (If you say she is 50, then you better pick up the phone right now and apologize to me!!!)
Junebee – I do that too – save the draft and read it later. It really helps!
Kristin – I feel your pain.
Cruisin – Thanks for the nice comment. I’m only a couple years younger than you! She is a retired grandma.
Good post, I have been re-reading all my outgoing emails today! Until it goes wrong, you don’t think about it. We do sometimes become “detached”thru email. Although, I sometimes childishly end with
since they can’t see my smile.
Okay, I feel better now
Jodie – I always picture you smiling.
Crusin – Whew!
Wendy,
MAN do you have a way with words, and I share the view of others that your honesty is amazing…and so inspiring and refreshing. Your post is extremely timely to me. I know somebody who SHOULD TAKE A SECOND (MAYBE EVEN A THIRD OR FOURTH…)LOOK AT WHAT SHE’S WRITING BEFORE SHE HITS THE SEND KEY. I’m trying not to stoop down to her level, so I’ve found myself editing and re-editing responses before hitting “enter”. Communications are tough sometimes, aren’t they…sometimes toughest with those we care about the most (and who know our flaws…).
Great reading…thanks again for the thought-provoking post.
Janet
This is a great post! I like the re-read idea, and always lean toward “if in doubt, don’t.”
I just got a heartfelt email from my 16-year-old nephew, and he signed off with “I know that emotions are lost in email, and I hope it doesn’t sound like it’s mad, cuz I’m not.” Smart kid, covering his trax…though not necessary, the sweetie.
Hi “Blanche”,
I wanted to just email you my comment but couldn’t figure out how, so I’ll just post it here and you can delete it if you want.
In the header for your blog, you wrote something that really touched a really deep spot in me.
“…Two last names and three kids later, I am still searching to find out who I am and how all the aspects of my life work together.”
For about 2 years now, I’ve been dreaming of changing my names (first, middle and last).
I had been pondering why, after working so hard all my life, I just couldn’t seem to get my life together. Why my ship hadn’t arrived yet, why was I still just a domestic help/caregiver/servant.
After looking up the meaning of my middle name and reading that it means cleaning woman, I was shocked! I had been branded at birth by my name to a life of servitude. With the resultant poverty.
I was heartsickened.
That started my deep wish to change my name, causing me to spend countless hours playing around with different names and spellings.
And since I am no longer my fathers child nor my husbands wife, why should I have to be saddled with their last names? (I kept the ex-husbands name because of my children).
I am soooo ready for a fresh start in life, starting with a fresh new name.
As long as I’m in this situation and locale I’m in right now, I’m leaving the name change on the back burner (alot of relatives around here).
But once, the opportunity to move to a new area comes up, I’m definitely taking the plunge and creating my OWN identity.
Thank you for your honesty and helping me see that I’m not the only one with these feelings.