Peach.

crayons.jpg
When I was a little girl, my brother wrote ‘PEACH’ on the cinder block wall in the playroom. In peach-colored crayon.

When my parents saw the graffiti, my brother blamed it on me. Never mind that I wasn’t old enough to spell the word ‘peach’ or to even read. But somehow, it fell on me.

Not to say my mother was gullible, but seriously, how could she think that I did it? But anyway…

I held onto this for… I don’t know…. 30 years?And finally, he admitted it. (Though he’d probably deny it if you asked him now.) And it makes me wonder.

Why did I need him to vindicate me? I knew I did right. I knew I would never write on the wall. I knew I couldn’t spell peach. And somewhere, deep down, I knew that my parents knew it, too.

Am I that insecure?

Fast forward to… now.

I don’t know how to say this exactly. But I need positive feedback, reinforcement, encouragement. Sometimes more than I’d like to admit.

I know I’m good at my job. And yet, when I do extensive reading of other people in adjunct careers, I feel insecure and less able. I am NOT saying this so you’ll tell me how great I am. I don’t really lack confidence in my work. What I lack is the belief that what I do and think has the effect on anyone the way that others’ work/writings/actions have that effect on me.

I know. It sounds silly.

And just like I should have had the confidence that my mom knew I did not write peach on the wall (and I did NOT even if you-know-who won’t admit it again), I wish I had the same confidence in myself now.

The world is changing and is so exciting. I want to be a part of it. I believe that I am a part of it. But I’m struggling to find my place. And my footing.

Bear with me. I think I finally found the right path.

More to come.

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9 thoughts on “Peach.

  1. This post really hit home to me, too. Just ask my lovely husband how insecure I can get. It’s something I fight all the time.

    Thanks for writing such a candid, personal post.

    Janet

  2. Ditto to Janet. This post really resonated with me as well. I crave positive feedback like it’s a drug. There’s that great scene in “What About Bob” when Bill Murray is begging Richard Dreyfus to treat him. Bob is going on and on saying, “Gimme, gimme, gimme. I need. I need!”

    I know the feeling…

  3. I have known you and your family for over 30 years. First, I have known your brother to always
    be honest, forthright and respectful. He’s just not the graffiti type. You on the other hand, artistic,
    good with crayons, always knew your colors. But,
    never really a top notch speller. Your Mother, she
    always seem to like me. So a big yes on the gullible.
    You’ve left someone out, and it’s not your sister.
    That’s right. Your father, warped sense of humor,
    born troublemaker, rode a motorcycle.
    Motorcycle = Punk/Thug, (Marlon Brando in The Wild One) = Graffiti.
    Case closed!
    You’re Welcome!
    I didn’t miss the point, did I?

  4. “I think I finally found the right path.”

    You MUST know that words like that are music to my ears. Even if it’s not ME saying the words, I truly get delight in reading about other people doing/finding/pursuing what they love. I can’t wait to hear what this is about!

  5. Wow, can I relate…..are you going to share more about this “right path”? (hope so)
    an aside: I love the way you write Wendy…tying the past to the present.

  6. Hey bro – you made me LOL (a little pepsi came out) and Mutant? I had no idea your memory was so good 🙂 but very funny stuff.

    Zan, Cruisin, Janet, Megan, DJ – thanks you are all so supportive!

  7. Had to comment on this one… because I felt I could have been writing it about myself!

    I love that you were so honest; this is the kind of self honesty I am so diligently working toward! I think I’m inching my way there?

    And FYI. You are amazing. I hear people say it time and again. Why have I not shared that?

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