When I was a little girl, my brother wrote ‘PEACH’ on the cinder block wall in the playroom. In peach-colored crayon.
When my parents saw the graffiti, my brother blamed it on me. Never mind that I wasn’t old enough to spell the word ‘peach’ or to even read. But somehow, it fell on me.
Not to say my mother was gullible, but seriously, how could she think that I did it? But anyway…
I held onto this for… I don’t know…. 30 years?And finally, he admitted it. (Though he’d probably deny it if you asked him now.) And it makes me wonder.
Why did I need him to vindicate me? I knew I did right. I knew I would never write on the wall. I knew I couldn’t spell peach. And somewhere, deep down, I knew that my parents knew it, too.
Am I that insecure?
Fast forward to… now.
I don’t know how to say this exactly. But I need positive feedback, reinforcement, encouragement. Sometimes more than I’d like to admit.
I know I’m good at my job. And yet, when I do extensive reading of other people in adjunct careers, I feel insecure and less able. I am NOT saying this so you’ll tell me how great I am. I don’t really lack confidence in my work. What I lack is the belief that what I do and think has the effect on anyone the way that others’ work/writings/actions have that effect on me.
I know. It sounds silly.
And just like I should have had the confidence that my mom knew I did not write peach on the wall (and I did NOT even if you-know-who won’t admit it again), I wish I had the same confidence in myself now.
The world is changing and is so exciting. I want to be a part of it. I believe that I am a part of it. But I’m struggling to find my place. And my footing.
Bear with me. I think I finally found the right path.
More to come.