I’m really sorry.

When I was in 7th grade, I did something awful.

Really awful.

So bad, in fact, that I still think about it today. And every once in a while, I think about finding the object of my bad behavior and apologizing. I’ve tried, you know. But no luck. It wouldn’t matter anyway. I can’t undo 7th grade angst.

Can’t be done.

Let me step back a second and say that I was not a mean girl.

I was not in the most ‘popular’ crowd.

But clearly, I was pliable.

Because when the mean girls wanted me to do this deed, I did.

Did I know it was wrong? Was I extremely uncomfortable? Did I almost throw up?

Yes to all. But I did it just the same.

And I’m ashamed.

I wrote a love letter to a really not popular (but extremely smart) guy, perfumed it, and put it in his locker – through the slots.

Signed….Anonymous.

Nice, huh?

It still haunts me.

How could I have been so stupid? So insensitive?

So…. twelve!?

And yet, I was.

I bet this guy is a rocket scientist or an NIH researcher on the verge of a major discovery or a professor at Stanford.

And I bet his braces are off and his haircut is better and his clothes? Well, I hope he’s dressing better. That’s all I’m going to say.

But I never got to know him. He was probably a really nice guy. I’d imagine he worried about the same things I did.

Grades. Friends. Not embarrassing myself.

We probably had a ton in common.

But I did that thing.

That awful thing.

And I’m sorry.

The saving grace? I learned from that. It made me so sick afterward that I never was mean like that again. NEVER. (And if you know me IRL, you believe me I’m sure.) I never want to feel that regret. That guilt. That…self-disgust…. that I felt after I saw his face after he found the letter.

He was elated. Someone cared about him.

But I knew it was false.

Crap. I feel nauseous all over again.

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4 thoughts on “I’m really sorry.

  1. wow. i know you irl and really can’t picture you doing it, so I guess you have changed your ways. it is scary how we can relive stuff like that so many years later.

  2. i did the exact same thing to a boy in 6th grade. i was dorky and didn’t have a lot of friends but he dorkier than me and had less friends than me so i suppose i thought it was ok. i, too, still feel horrible about it and wish i could find him to apologize.

  3. I wrote a bunch of hate poems about this girl I didn’t like in 6th grade and stuffed them in her locker. She was more popular than me but she wasn’t actually popular, she just fit in well. It was really rotten and dumb. I feel your pain.

  4. I was mean to someone in ninth or tenth grade and recently wrote a blog about it. It haunts me. I feel a lot of guilt about being so awful.

    I guess more than anything, that is what I should share with my kids. That not only is being mean an awful thing to do in the present, but it will follow you for the rest of your life.

    xo-

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